Changing

13Oct09

I got a real webhost tonight. No more of this pre-packaged, blog stuff. I’m going to start programming again. Just keep it locked on packphour.com, not any variation thereof (aka: packphour.wordpress.com, etc…).

Night

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Forthright

21Aug09

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Tags: asofterworld, poetry, writings

life summary

21Aug09

“I hear this life thing is pretty typical. There’s about 5 basic situations and we all go through them a number of times.“
-M. Wade Nichols

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Tags: life, quote, Quotes

an old favorite

20Aug09

“I found myself waiting for the sparkle in your eyes to burst into flames, igniting a warmth reminiscent of a passion that melted two hearts into one. Instead, you blinked.“
-M. Wade Nichols

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Tags: My Writings, quote, Quotes, writing, writings

transient

15Aug09

“My roots grow wide, not deep.“
-M. Wade Nichols

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Tags: quote, Quotes, writing

shine

11Aug09

“Friends are like light. They set the horizon of your foreseeable possibilities.“
-M. Wade Nichols

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Tags: quote, Quotes, writing

Reassurances

29Jul09

Four friends, responding in 20 minutes to okay their use as references reassures me that I have friends when I need them, just not always when I want them.

Successful interviews with Terminix and Via Media reassures me that I still have marketable skills and carry the confidence to convince potential employers.

Unsolicited comments and efforts from friends reassures me that they still think of me, as I do them.

My mother & cousin’s unconditional willingness to help reassures me that I am not alone in my rebuilding.

Not buying a pack of $1.84 Marlboro 54’s reassures me that I have the willpower to quit smoking.

The fact that I’d rather work in the morning, instead of drink, reassures me that I have turned the corner on alcohol.

Being disconnected from society (internet, TV, etc…), but still being able to “plug-n-play” with people, reassures me that-, it just reassures me.

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Technicalities

22Jul09

I love them.

Updated

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Seth Green’s Crib

28May09

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Prop 8, #@!$ a Duck

27May09

I love anything that mocks absurdity.

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Tags: prop 8, Sex

Rick Ross HD

27May09

Working with this footage from Spiff, I am really impressed by his HD camera. Beautiful.

I’ll post the end result here once the release is approved.

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Spiff @ 5am

26May09

Within just a few days of getting connected again (TXT & Internet), I have a folder full of material for Rick Ross (multi-platinum rap artist) on my desktop, waiting to be edited.

God it feels good.

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Pep Rally

26May09

This line of thought could be applied to nationalism…

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Tags: cmx, comic

10 Things, Orgasm, Didn’t Know

26May09

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Tags: Sex

Under the Bridge, Literally

25May09

Unrelated: For those keeping score at home, it’s been 91 days without meds or alcohol.

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Evil Cellphone

04May09

Sometimes, throwing it against the wall just isn’t enough after you get off the phone with “customer service.“

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Tags: cell phone, cell phones, phone, phones

Updates for May

04May09

Until I get a job, or Allen teaches me how to hack my cable box, the updates will be few and far between.

My court date is set for May 11th. I met with my public defender this week and she was more optimistic than last time. Due to the circumstances she hopes to get my felony reduced to a misdemeanor & have part of my settlement be random drug/alcohol tests. We’ll see. I guess the good news is that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be in jail on the 12th. Knowing that has allowed me to breathe a little easier and given me a little hope for each tomorrow, which is good, because I’ve been battling depression a lot lately. And now that I don’t have alcohol to escape the depression, dealing with it is much harder than before.

Part of the depression is a lack of job. This city doesn’t really have the kind of industries my skill-set is for. Thusly, I’m over-qualified (or wrongly qualified) for the jobs I have applied for. Gas station cashier, waiter at Cracker Barrel, etc… anyone who’s known me for longer than five years ever imagined that? God knows I never saw it, but humility has pushed aside pride. I’d rather survive than die.

A few weeks ago, I went to the optometrist. I have hemmorging in all four quadrants of both eyes. I don’t need glasses, which means I could go straight from seeing fine, to blindness. Fun. /sarcasm. I don’t know. I’ve had 28 years to mentally prepare for the complications of diabetes. And while losing my eye sight is right under dying, it just hasn’t hit me yet because of all the other things I’m waiting to resolve in my life.

So, the good things…

I haven’t cursed God, I haven’t laid blame on anything or anyone else, I haven’t lost hope. Whenever life wants me back, I’m ready.

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Tags: Me, my life

Been There, Doing That

24Apr09

Heh, I can relate… sometimees.

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Tags: cmx, comic, Comics, happiness, happy, love, relationship, Relationships, xkcd

Growing Up

04Apr09

“We don’t grow up. We grow into & out of things.“
-M. Wade Nichols

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Tags: life, my writing, My Writings, Nature, photo, photograph, photographs, Photography, photos, quote, Quotes, writing, writings

Away

02Apr09

I lost my internet connection(s) at the house, so I’m publishing this from the library. Don’t expect updates any time soon.

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Ineffective Proposal

31Mar09

Oops.

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Tags: comedy, funny, haha, Humor, LOL, News, oops, pregnancy, pregnant, strange, weird

Mistaken Addiction

31Mar09

An interesting thing happened tonight. While at the poker table, a gentleman who’s good friends with my father & I, grabbed my card holder and asked what it was.

My 30 days, A.A. chip.

Your what?

A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous.

What?! You’re an alcoholic.?

Do these LOOK like crack addict arms

Never really sharing it so openly in real life, I didn’t look him in the eyes and said, “Yes.” As I said it, I was looking across the table at my father who heard the conversation from the beginning and didn’t look up the whole time. I wasn’t sure if he was ashamed or wasn’t comfortable about me talking about it, as it might reflect on him. I looked back down and then over to the gentleman as he continued.

I would have never of thought it. I thought you were on crack or something, but not an alcoholic.

Him, I and a few other guys laughed. He went on to explain.

Hell, you’re so skinny and your father is… your father [weight/size].

We laughed again.

That was kind of another first step. Talking about it so openly on my blog or at meetings is one thing. Saying it so bluntly in front of those I see all the time in real life, was different. Different, but good.

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Tags: aa, addict, addiction, addictions, addicts, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholics, alcoholics anonymous, alcoholism, conversation, Conversations, crack, drink, drinking, drinks, life, Me, my life, poker

My First Cash Game

31Mar09

It’s scary, in a good way, when you can go somewhere for 10 hours & not even know it.

$5 in the tournament (33 people) & I finished 6th, no money. I turned around and played the cash game ($50 buy-in) for 5 hours and walked away with $25 profit. I was up $100, but didn’t leave because it was early and would have been bad poker etiquette.

Next time I’ll play less hands when I get that much up and cash out after some more time has passed.

Anyway, home now (5am) and eating homemade cajun boiled peanuts. Yum.

(p.s. I had pocket Queens 4 times at the cash game, not once did they pay off.)

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Tags: Me, my life, poker

Really, Kelloggs?

29Mar09

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Tags: comedy, funny, haha, Humor, kelloggs, LOL, marijuana, michael phelps, olympics, pot, saturday night live, snl, Video, videos, weed

Volchaos

29Mar09

Click image to enlarge.

Even nature’s destruction is beautiful.

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Tags: beautiful, Nature, photo, photograph, photographs, Photography, photos, volcano, volcanoes

The Differences

29Mar09

I’m following SuperSober (hate the name though) on Twitter & they posted a good quote today.

I may not always do the right thing, but at least today, I can usually tell the difference.

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Tags: addict, addiction, addictions, addicts, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholics, alcoholism, life, quote, Quotes, sober, sobriety

The Anatomy of a Camel

29Mar09

Insomnia is the mother of the absurd. I use to spray paint 15 foot sheets of plastic, program mock websites (buyyourowndamntampons.com), or make constellations out of silver coins on the 15 foot walls of my apartment. Tonight, I carefully disassembled a pack of Camel No. 9’s.

Whatever it takes to pass the time…

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Tags: camel, camel cigarette, camel cigarettes, camels, cigarettes, insomnia, insomniac, insomniacs, Me, my life, sleep, sleeping, smoke, smoker, smokers, smoking, stupid, stupidity

aa, vii

29Mar09

I ended up going to a meeting tonight when I couldn’t afford to play at the $30, no-rebuy, tournament tonight. That was a completely unrelated statement, I just hate missing no-rebuy tournaments and I’m still a bit bitter about it

At the meeting my friend shared a story about this past week, how he took all these steps toward buying a gallon of homemade wine, but at the last moment took the most important step to drive past the place. Part of the story was how he could have easily have hidden it from his wife & others, drinking after they had gone to bed. It got me thinking, so I shared the following.

I’ve been successful at hiding my drinking in the past, when I wanted to, times I was “trying” to quit for others, instead of myself. Things are different now that I care and have a personal desire to quit. If I slip up, I have two realities ahead of me. If I’m honest and admit to it, I’m a failure in my recovery. If I hide it, then I’m a liar.

I don’t want to be either.

(p.s. Got my 30 day chip tonight.)

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Tags: aa, addict, addiction, addictions, addicts, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholics, alcoholics anonymous, alcoholism, drink, drinking, drinks, life, Me, meeting, Meetings, my life, sober, sobriety

Footwork

27Mar09

Fancy.

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Tags: Chinlone, cool, hacky sack, soccer, sport, Sports, Video, videos, youtube

Temptations

27Mar09

In the 31 days, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to stumble. Each was a moment that I said, “Fuck you,” to alcohol, instead of, “Fuck it.”

During my first week of sobriety there was a bottle of wine & a half-gallon of Long Island Ice Tea that would have been easy to drink from, while making it look like nothing was missing. Leaving it alone was my first and most important step.

My old bootlegger lives next door & over the past 31 days I’ve been home alone, a lot. I’ve said hi whenever I see them outside and that’s where the conversation always ends.

While cleaning out our cabinets, I came across an old Amaretto bottle that had a tiny bit left. Nothing that would have even come close to getting me slightly buzzed, but at least would have given me a taste. I introduced it to Mr. Trashcan.

Two weeks ago I visited an old friend who had a few shots & was drinking beer when I showed up. He offered, while talking about stories of when we use to drink together. I declined- twice.

I’ve had the car a few times these past three weeks, without having to worry about seeing anyone for several hour stints. The 2pm-8pm, dollar draft happy hours were passing thoughts at best.

Today I was with a friend, in a moist county (I live in a dry county), today. He said,
“We can get a beer if-“
“-if I weren’t 31 days sober today,” I said, ending his sentence. He apologized. I assured him it was fine, as we laughed at his unintentionally, dickish comment.

I haven’t initiated any conversations about my desire & dedication to this change. Those around me have heard enough words over the years & I think it’s best that I speak with my actions now.

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Tags: aa, abuse, addict, addiction, addictions, addicts, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholics, alcoholics anonymous, alcoholism, change, changes, drink, drinking, drinks, life, Me, my life, na, narcotics anonymous, sober, sobriety, temptation, temptations