I came across an old e-mail from a girl friend of mine and sent her the following message.

So I did a search for “puppies” in my email to find photos of my mom’s new dogs and I came across this email (with photos) from you.

Just thought I’d let you know, you’re beautiful. Don’t let anyone else (including yourself) tell you otherwise

Later that day, she replied with the following.

Aww, that was very sweet. I was just having an issue with my bf about my need for reassurance. Maybe your daily affirmations on myspace filled my need to hear positive things! Who knew you were such a psychologist!

We continued to discuss the affirmations & reassurance in greater detail. She’s a very strong-willed, independent woman, which you wouldn’t normally associate a need of such things- but as The Smiths would say, “She is human and she needs to be loved, just like everybody else does…” Sometimes we, as guys, forget that. We see our women through our own perception and forget that they have a perception of their own. A perception that doesn’t always align with our, often, more positive view.

With that on my mind this week, it caused me to be a bit more aggressively outspoken with Jules. Instead of saying something like, “Be quiet, you’re pretty” I upped it to, “I refuse to gangbang your body with hate speech” and variations thereof. It wasn’t until I straddled her on the bed and took pictures, while she yelled “No, not that angle, my chub!,” for her to see what I see.

Her reply, “Oh, okay… that one isn’t so bad.“

No more wrongful conjures in her head, just 320 x 240 vivid pixels from my phone that do not lie.

“I’m the one who died from the safety net and the one who never wanted it.“
-M. Wade Nichols

“I wish I could see in black & white or think in shades of grey, but I rage with red, cry in blue & know 59 others by name.“
-M. Wade Nichols

Howard Beale: I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV’s while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.’ Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot – I don’t want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad. [shouting] You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, [shouting] ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’

The whole movie is online at Google Vide:o Part 1, Part 2

A music video mash-up with the movie “Girl, Interrupted” & Jack Off Jill’s, “Strawberry Gashes.“

Well done, considering the lyrics and film’s content.

“So excited, I had to dance before the dance.“

-M. Wade Nichols

“It’s hard to be scared when you know the demons by name.“

-M. Wade Nichols

“The flutter of its wings tickled my nose and woke me to your call of apology.”
“Everything is connected.”
“I’ll see you soon.“

-M. Wade Nichols

I’ve been finding a lot of these kinds of quotes lately. APPLY THEM PEOPLE!

“Love doesn’t see obligation or debt.” -M. Wade Nichols

…as hundreds watch, only to “help” after it’s too late.

Click the image below to enlarge it so that you can read it.

Click to enlarge photo.

I have flash video of the final moments when the cops break down the door with a medic. If you want it, email me.

And reading what he had to say in his suicide note, he had loved ones. It made me think of “At 13,” a spoken word piece dedicated to another black teenager who committed suicide. Whatever Abraham Biggs problems were, I hope he gets such an eulogy.

The changes.

Nine months ago, I couldn’t drive 1 mile to buy something from the local convenient store.
Now, I drive hundreds of miles a week, by myself.

Nine months ago, I couldn’t shower or take a bath without someone at home with me.
Now, I do it whenever, without worrying about someone finding me naked in the tub, passed out.

Nine months ago, I struggled to be consistent with just a part time job.
Now, I have maintained a part time job, with more energy and ability to work more hours.

Nine months ago, we lived with a variety of friends & family.
Now, We live alone. Jules & I.

Nine months ago, I used alcohol to suppress my symptoms.
Now, I drink alcohol responsibly.

Nine months ago, I was hospitalized from the side effects of medications that should have helped me.
Now, I’ve found what works for me and have not looked back.

You never saw the changes and you won’t, since your patience wasn’t long enough to see me manifest my words.

Life is good.

Today i put on my grandfather’s shoes. The soft & strong leather wrinkled areas about, like the laugh lines of his face. The weathered shine that had endured years of wear, reminded me of the glow about him, even in the last days of his life.

The shoes, fit so perfect, however, i am far from filling them.

The marks are my own
Inflicted & sustained
A song once sang
faced with nothing, I want pain.

I feel so much
deeper than skin
I protect what’s within
by keeping you, at end.

Do you want me?
Obligation or something more?
I’ll assume what your efforts are for
as long as you never lose sight of my core.

Much has been said about how much I share and talk.

With the passing of my grandfather, I had confirmation of how and who I am.

I’ll try my best to protect your privacy & emotions, but my nature is to share and relate. Nothing is ever malicious and I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. The more I share, the more I draw closer to others who can relate or empathize with others who are hurting.

He always put people before money, success & self. The latter was always the hardest, but I’ve always managed to do all three. I’m not his shadow, but so much resonates in me because of him.

With all the negative and critique I say, I speak just as much positive. People I know and love, know why and how much I love them. People I don’t care for, get none of my time. If I’m silent about you, it’s because I don’t care.