Until I get a job, or Allen teaches me how to hack my cable box, the updates will be few and far between.

My court date is set for May 11th. I met with my public defender this week and she was more optimistic than last time. Due to the circumstances she hopes to get my felony reduced to a misdemeanor & have part of my settlement be random drug/alcohol tests. We’ll see. I guess the good news is that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be in jail on the 12th. Knowing that has allowed me to breathe a little easier and given me a little hope for each tomorrow, which is good, because I’ve been battling depression a lot lately. And now that I don’t have alcohol to escape the depression, dealing with it is much harder than before.

Part of the depression is a lack of job. This city doesn’t really have the kind of industries my skill-set is for. Thusly, I’m over-qualified (or wrongly qualified) for the jobs I have applied for. Gas station cashier, waiter at Cracker Barrel, etc… anyone who’s known me for longer than five years ever imagined that? God knows I never saw it, but humility has pushed aside pride. I’d rather survive than die.

A few weeks ago, I went to the optometrist. I have hemmorging in all four quadrants of both eyes. I don’t need glasses, which means I could go straight from seeing fine, to blindness. Fun. /sarcasm. I don’t know. I’ve had 28 years to mentally prepare for the complications of diabetes. And while losing my eye sight is right under dying, it just hasn’t hit me yet because of all the other things I’m waiting to resolve in my life.

So, the good things…

I haven’t cursed God, I haven’t laid blame on anything or anyone else, I haven’t lost hope. Whenever life wants me back, I’m ready.

An interesting thing happened tonight. While at the poker table, a gentleman who’s good friends with my father & I, grabbed my card holder and asked what it was.

My 30 days, A.A. chip.

Your what?

A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous.

What?! You’re an alcoholic.?

Do these LOOK like crack addict arms

I would have never of thought it. I thought you were on crack or something, but not an alcoholic.

Him, I and a few other guys laughed. He went on to explain.

Hell, you’re so skinny and your father is… your father [weight/size].

We laughed again.

That was kind of another first step. Talking about it so openly on my blog or at meetings is one thing. Saying it so bluntly in front of those I see all the time in real life, was different. Different, but good.

It’s scary, in a good way, when you can go somewhere for 10 hours & not even know it.

$5 in the tournament (33 people) & I finished 6th, no money. I turned around and played the cash game ($50 buy-in) for 5 hours and walked away with $25 profit. I was up $100, but didn’t leave because it was early and would have been bad poker etiquette.

Next time I’ll play less hands when I get that much up and cash out after some more time has passed.

Anyway, home now (5am) and eating homemade cajun boiled peanuts. Yum.

(p.s. I had pocket Queens 4 times at the cash game, not once did they pay off.)

Insomnia is the mother of the absurd. I use to spray paint 15 foot sheets of plastic, program mock websites (buyyourowndamntampons.com), or make constellations out of silver coins on the 15 foot walls of my apartment. Tonight, I carefully disassembled a pack of Camel No. 9’s.

Whatever it takes to pass the time…

I ended up going to a meeting tonight when I couldn’t afford to play at the $30, no-rebuy, tournament tonight. That was a completely unrelated statement, I just hate missing no-rebuy tournaments and I’m still a bit bitter about it

At the meeting my friend shared a story about this past week, how he took all these steps toward buying a gallon of homemade wine, but at the last moment took the most important step to drive past the place. Part of the story was how he could have easily have hidden it from his wife & others, drinking after they had gone to bed. It got me thinking, so I shared the following.

I’ve been successful at hiding my drinking in the past, when I wanted to, times I was “trying” to quit for others, instead of myself. Things are different now that I care and have a personal desire to quit. If I slip up, I have two realities ahead of me. If I’m honest and admit to it, I’m a failure in my recovery. If I hide it, then I’m a liar.

I don’t want to be either.

(p.s. Got my 30 day chip tonight.)

In the 31 days, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to stumble. Each was a moment that I said, “Fuck you,” to alcohol, instead of, “Fuck it.”

I haven’t initiated any conversations about my desire & dedication to this change. Those around me have heard enough words over the years & I think it’s best that I speak with my actions now.

“The present is the singularity where personal potential turns into memories.“
-M. Wade Nichols

30 days, alcohol & pills.

Changes I’ve noticed.

1. I don’t wake up shaking any more.
2. My memory is a lot better.
3. I’m thinking more clearly.
4. I enjoy the little things again.
5. I’m testing my blood sugar (diabetes) 4 times a day, instead of 10 to 20.
6. I’m getting more things done.

Fifth meeting. I ended up sharing the life approach that Chaz wrote about in Winning at Loser’s Games.

I seek to win Loser’s Games by simply not showing up.

-Chaz

Quotes from tonight were as follows…

I’ve got to carry the message, not the mess.

I had a hard time during my recovery when family members accused me of drinking, when I wasn’t. Their lack of faith in me made it hard for me to have faith in myself.

During rehab we had a saying. HALT. Never let yourself be Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

Freewill is expensive. I paid for it so many times in the past. I need that structure, I need rules.

Where else are you gonna get this kind of help… for a buck? (referencing the collection tray).

Tis all.

I bought a Miller Sharp’s today (non-alcoholic) to go with my sandwich and as I walked out of the grocery store, I wondered, “What would people at A.A. think?” Not that it’d affect my personal opinion on it, but I wondered about their take on it. I don’t think I’d ever bring up the topic at a meeting, seeing as how everyone has their own temptations and boundaries and I don’t want to feel like I’m adding to a problem. However, for me, it’s fine.

Much like coffee, I acquired an appreciation for the taste of beer and like to pair it with certain foods from time to time. Drinking one doesn’t make me wish I had a real beer, it just satisfies the mild craving I have from time to time.

Since I have anonymous people coming through here from my alcoholics anonymous tags, I’d like to go back to my original question. What are your thoughts on non-alcoholic beer? Is it a permanent no-no or something you feel is up to the individual? If you were around a fellow A.A. member at a party or home, would it bother you?

I went to my fourth meeting Sunday night. On the way there I told the friend that I go with, “It’s been a week now and I’ve missed a total of 3 days. Missing one day, I’m fine. Two days in a row though, feels like too long. Not that I start craving a drink or anything, I just look forward to going now.” He laughed and agreed.

I ended up sharing about my wreck from January 2006.

My name is Wade, I’m an alcoholic & addict. (In unison, “Hi Wade.”) I have blood stains on my pants from a wreck, three years ago. I was down in Florida, on my way to a friend’s house, when I rolled my SUV. I walked out my windshield and waited for the cops. I was never charged with anything, never hurt anyone- only myself and not enough to go to a hospital. However, possibly killing myself wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t be until three years later, when I was faced with losing those who I love, and possibly endangering their lives, that it finally clicked for me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all have different motivations. For me, my life wasn’t one, it was losing those that I love. So whatever it is, find your motivation and focus on it.

That’s all I have to say.

Pictures from my wreck.

The quotes that stuck with me from Sunday night’s meeting, are as follows…

“Don’t let your highs get too high, or your lows too low.”

“With alcohol, I could be at a party, drinking with a house full of people and feel completely alone. Without alcohol, I can be at home, by myself, and not feel alone at all.”

“When I was drunk, I’d apologize, but it didn’t mean anything. Sober, I can say I’m sorry and actually remember what I’m sorry for.”

I don’t mind her telling me no, as long as she’s cute when doing it.

Three meetings in five days. This time it was a N.A. meeting, which includes drugs and alcohol. Since I was also on prescribed drugs, it makes more sense for me to attend those, though both types of meetings have been great. Unlike my A.A. meetings, I actually shared at this one. My words rushed and shaky, but at least I shared this time.

My name is Wade, I’m an addict. (In unison “Hi, Wade.”) I’m just happy to see through the prescription bullshit. My medications came from a doctor and since they came from an authority figure, I took what they prescribed with a sort of blind faith. Besides, “They are legal,” I’d remind myself- which added to the blind faith. It’s that blind faith that gets us into trouble. We have to evaluate who we are and how such things affect us, things that doctors, friends or family don’t always see. Like [girl's name] shared earlier, the motive of those trying to help doesn’t always have our best interest at heart, or doesn’t help in the way that works for us as individuals. We have to put that blind faith aside and actively figure out what works for us- and then do it. That’s all for now. Thank you. (In unison, “Thanks, Wade.”)

Wade's Ladder

Others went on to share. Below are some of the quotes, from tonight, that stuck with me.

One pill is too many and a thousand isn’t enough.

Recently, I’ve been trying to stop my three year old son from sleeping with mommy and daddy. He came in our room last night, so I made him a palette on the floor next to us, as a sort of compromise. After a few minutes he got up and asked,
“Daddy? Daddy?”
“What son?”
“Can I sleep up there with you? I won’t pee, I promise.”
Well, I folded right there. So he got up in the bed, snuggled in and looked at me and said,
“This is perfect.”
It’s moments like that, that I would have missed out on in the past because I was either drunk or high. I don’t want to wake up one day, him be 14, and not have memories like that to look back on. That’s what keeps me clean.

I don’t put a fraction of the effort into these meetings, that I did into trying to get my dope, but somehow it’s a hundred times more rewarding.

In closing, I may need to seek out a C.A. (caffeine anonymous) group because of these meetings. Four cups of coffee tonight. Yum

I went to my second meeting tonight and dammit to hell if I’m not on the brink of crying each time. A guy, tattooed to the neck, rough all around, spoke like some sort of vagabondic vangelist. To be surprised like that really changes how you look at people. It’s like being blindsided on some random Tuesday and enjoying the pain.

I’d challenge anyone to find a group of people more humbled than those at these meetings. Anyway, here are some quotes that stuck with me tonight from various members at the meeting.

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

I have a card on my nightstand that reads, “God treat me tomorrow how I treat people today.”

Selflessness is thinking less of myself, not less about myself.

Church is for those trying to avoid hell, while AA is for those who have been through it.

We never know when our time will come, but when it does, I don’t want my last impression on people to be tainted with the stench & stupor of alcohol.

The liquid courage gave me the balls to do the stupidest of things.

I use to keep an AA obituary box on my dresser, with newspaper clippings, until it got too full.

I might just keep going even after all is said and done.

I went to my first AA meeting tonight. It wasn’t court ordered or anything, I guess I was just curious and wanted to add more action to the changes I’ve made.

After going, I really got how true the narrator’s voice in Fight Club was. The honesty, the listening, the therapeutic affects of sharing in groups like that, etc… it’s something that isn’t common in the everyday interaction with people.

As for me, I couldn’t bring myself to share tonight. I worded it in my head, several times over, but wasn’t comfortable speaking. If I could have, I would have said the following.

The thing about alcohol is that it made me not care, which seemed fine as a solution to the depression I was experiencing. I saw it as a short term solution, until I finally accepted that my situation, nor life, is short term. I need to care. I need to care about the bad things in life so I can address and correct them. I need to care about the good things in life so I can truly enjoy them.

I’ll go again to be a part of the discussion and hopefully share things that make them feel how they made me feel tonight.